Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour

I actually quite like the contradiction of "the light sound of three heavy words." Contradiction is something that I enjoy including in my own writing, as I think it can be very thought provoking and profound. I'd say keep it, but maybe find new adjectives to convey your meaning. For example, maybe instead of "light," you could use "airy," and find a new word for "heavy." Just a suggestion! But I'm liking the message this particular line sends.

My only other suggestion is that I think the word "punch" sounds a little too abrupt. Perhaps you could find another word that sounds a little more elegant while still getting the meaning across.

But I love, love, love the beginning:

"Sometimes I stand by the oceanside
Blowing a kiss
Against the horizon"

Great hook, it drew me right in! Overall, this was a lovely piece. I hope you will keep writing!
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.


baccaratta Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Hmm.. I am a little on the fence about that, but if I can adjectives that match the setting it will be a good change.

I agree on you with punch, I'll have too sit down and try to come up with a more elegant substitute.

I am happy you liked it, thank you and don't worry! I have no plan about stopping anytime soon :)
Add a Comment: